Now that Early Action applications have been submitted, and hopefully everyone has caught a breath, I want to give a little advice about navigating the social dynamics of the College Application Process. From my experience, this part is the real test of character & social skills. Ideally, families and friendships become stronger through this crucible.
This can be a crazy time for everyone to handle the constant discussions about college—among both parents and peers; this is my friendly reminder to protect your energy! As questions come in about where you’ve applied, where you’ve been accepted, just know that you don’t owe anyone any information or explanations. If you’re going through this for the first time, you might be surprised by how exhausting this part of the process can be socially.
I often advise families to come up with their plan for fielding these inquiries, because other people will project their own thoughts onto you—yes, their well wishes, but sometimes also their own desires, fears, doubts, plans, etc.
Even the best of friends will say things that can hurt each other’s feelings. I have heard the craziest things. It’s a little like when you’re pregnant, and you tell your friends you’re considering naming your baby Sara, and someone says, “I knew a Sara in fifth grade, and she was a mean girl.” Great, now I know that’s what you’ll think of every time you see my baby.
I have heard peers say to each other:
Why did you get in? I didn’t.
Oh, that school takes everyone.
Well, it’s nice that your family can afford it.
I try to remind kids that their “back up” school might be someone else’s dream school. None of us will ever know why someone was accepted or rejected from a particular college, so it’s not a fun game to speculate. The best, most courteous and socially graceful response to an acceptance is always “Congratulations,” and to a rejection, “I’m sorry, their loss.”
I also hope that even in the privacy of our homes, we as parents can model this and resist the temptation to analyze why our child—or someone else’s—did or didn’t get in somewhere. It rarely serves to actually make someone feel better.
I’ve heard students hide their accomplishments because their peers will be jealous, or because a school won’t seem prestigious enough—or will seem too prestigious. There’s a lot attached to this moment in life, and I do think everyone can navigate it with humility and consideration for each other.
To give an example of a plan, our family just told people early on that we would only announce the final decision—not the play by play as it happened over weeks and months. There are a thousand factors that go into that chosen school, and every family and student is different. We rehearsed saying, “Thanks for asking. We are just gonna let people know our final decision.”
We exercised this with friends and relatives, and we felt it really gave us space to acknowledge any disappointments privately, as well as time to look at all the opportunities. Asking for opinions is always still an option; we just didn’t want the unsolicited ones. ;)
Moms, there’s no need to be on all those Facebook threads. Everybody just use this time make as many fun memories as you can together. Time is flying.
And the best advice I’ve received as a parent going through this is: Never be more or less excited or disappointed than your child is. (Thank you, Joanne!)
I hope that every student feels excited about their final choice, not apologetic, not embarrassed. Every acceptance is cause for celebration, and every rejection or waitlist probably will need some room for sadness.
Remember, you have a wonderful, unique path that is just for you!
And my next favorite adage is: Rejection is redirection.
We can come back to that one in a few weeks. :)
